April 13, 2010
I want to laugh out loud, sometimes, when I get emails or comments from people telling me I'm inspiring. Mostly because I feel like I look way better on paper, and my brothers make fun of me for my blog, and how I'm cooler online.
But more than that, I think it's because I sometimes wonder if I didn't come out of the womb with my fists up, and a chip on my shoulder. I think any and all "inspiring" work I do is an effort to channel that energy into something productive. And, even then, I think that, sometimes, I get a little carried away - like the time I flipped out on the boy (whose name I didn't even know) during a Charger's game for saying no one cared about that, "Haitian shit."
I believe my response came out a little something like "Really!? Are you f***ing with me right now!?"
Except I'm not sure that I exactly stopped there...
Then there was the time that I told the boy in my social problems class that maybe he should try what it feels like to stop having sex if he really believes that that would be a good solution for the orphan crisis in Africa.
And I could keep going....Oh, HOW I could keep going.
Last week, my mother told me that I should start focusing more on the positives in life, rather than the people/things/situations that infuriate me.
And I plan to. I've even been making a list of the positive things in my life - and I plan to blog about it....
Today? I just need to be honest that, well, I just haven't quite got this anger thing quite kicked yet.
...and that Jaron and the Long Road To Love might quite possibly have written my new favorite song (posted below).
No really, I'm not joking. Driving home on the 5 South last week, I actually GRINNED throughout this entire song...and KEPT grinning after it was over, because it just is so deliciously fabulous to be angry sometimes.
This post doesn't have any secret redeeming qualities. It's not really a lesson that I learned, or something I turned around for the good of humanity. It's not even a confession, really. I suppose I just needed to remember that this blog is mine, and it's somewhere where I still get to completely be myself...messy, unfinished, and, quite possibly, a little OCD.
I guess I just needed to be the girl who called a certain boy and ranted for an hour and a half about school today, and who sends texts to her brothers about punching the girl across the room in class when she won't STOP TALKING, and who still has dreams about her ex boyfriend experiencing violent, painful things and terrible sicknesses, and who gets told, every once in a while, while walking into a party to "remember to be nice to the people you don't know, don't flip out on anyone okay?"
I needed to be the girl who spent the all day Saturday on a blow up mattress watching movies and eating way too much pizza and chinese food, without makeup on, and laughing her head off with her (quite new) boyfriend. I needed to be the girl who read the wrong assignment last week, and who feels like her whole life might come to a screeching halt if she doesn't pass her media law class.
Today, I just needed to let my hair down.
Thanks for being there for it.
April 13, 2010