being human

March 3, 2010

I went to my second therapy session this week.

I can feel parts of me unwinding every time I walk out of the counseling center.

I'm realizing that so much of therapy is finally getting the freedom to sit alone in your car and breathe a huge sigh of relief - maybe one a lifetime in coming - because you're finally starting to get that everyone feels like you do, and you're not so terribly far off from normal after all.

I think I've always thought we were supposed to be quiet, fine people. It's been my secret goal to be normal like that.

I let go of that this week, and started reaching for a new idea of normalcy.

At the same time, I've started grabbing a hold of the reality that, sometimes, it's just not my fault.

And it's not weakness to admit that.

It's huge, gaping, amazing, breathtaking freedom.

This week, I have been working on a presentation with a classmate for an integration seminar at school. Our topic is human rights, and thus I have been looking, a lot, at what it means to be human.

Aside from the technical things I've come up with, I thought of a few things I probably won't be putting up in my slide show.

I think there's a lot of pretty things about being a human, but, more often, I think that there's a lot of real, hard, messy things that make up our lives as we know it.

Sometimes, more than anything? I think it's being stressed before a test, or staying up too late blogging when you should be doing homework. Some Mondays, it's realizing your shirt has a stain on the front when you're already at school.

It's falling fast for someone when you planned to go slow, and it's the conversation you have with your mother after your first huge heartache. It's the fury you feel when you realize that that person should have had your heart in the first place.

It's the first time you realize that, quite possibly, you are who you were afraid of being.

It's regret.

It's laughing so hard your stomach hurts when you accidentally spit water all over your friend's kitchen on your 21st birthday. It's being 21, away at school, and realizing you miss your mom like you did when she left for a week when you were 13.

It's the realization that the moment you were waiting for is hitting you - right now - and you better grab it tight.

It's being angry with God - and then wanting to please Him more than anything. It's being judged.

It's road rage.

It's being too young, and too old.

It's addiction, and it's living with people with addiction.

It's recovery.

It's the realization that it's not all okay - and that's ok. Good, even.


Kelly@TearingUpHouses said...

Miss Shanley, you have such a way with words!

Oh, and the part about realizing you are who you were afraid to be. Yes, yes, I've done that.


angela said...

one of the greatest scenes from that film. i could pretty well quote the whole thing. life is how you described it, shan. life is messy and often spent picking up the pieces.
personally, i like the mellow of the human i am now. i like not being so strung out on every important (or not so important) detail. there is a peace, a calm that comes from growing up that is worth waiting for and hard to not shove down the throat of every over emotional high school girl i come in contact with. i love watching you grow and settle and learn to breathe.