living in the rainbows

 

Last year, my housemate Eli and I used to sit on the kitchen counter and eat gobs of food till really early in the morning. Those were the times when we solved the world's problems most effectively.

Once, we talked about how a lot of people think in black and white - and I confessed that I can, often, be one of them. "I love the gray," Eli said. "I love to live in all the colors of the rainbow. I believe in pink and green and blue and red and - I want all of them. Don't make me live in the black and the white."

I've thought of what she said ever since.

I know that, usually, it's taboo to write about what's really on your heart if what's on your heart is well, taboo.

But here, in this sphere, its often more acceptable. As bloggers, we know that it is our honesty that compels you to stay. And not the honesty about things that feel normal - but the things that, deep down, everyone is afraid to talk about because they think they might be crazy.

That's what writers do. We write down the things we're thinking - and hopefully giving words to our thoughts give word to your thoughts too. Hopefully we're writing the things you needed to say for you.

So here goes...

I have found, in my life, that I take everyone's opinion so seriously that I've lost that little voice inside of me that tells me what direction I would like to go - or should go.

While I grew up thinking that things were so black and  white,  this year has taught me that, often times, your black is my white - and my white is your black.

I believe certain things are for sure - that there is an ultimate right and wrong, and that God is the one who decides what that is.

But I believe gray is for sure, too...and pink, and orange, and red and green and all of those things. And more often than not, I think our lives are lived out in the colors, not the black and the white.

I don't think we can help that, and I don't think we're meant to.

Problem being, I haven't been living that truth out. I've been too afraid of what everyone thought in the black and the white to call a gray or a pink in my life when I see it. And I've lost out on things I wanted, given up things I should have held onto - and I've kept hold of some things I should have let go because someone else thought I should.

Now, all this is not to say that I don't want counsel, or that I won't be calling all you girlfriends of mine just as often.

What I am saying is that I've been living in fear and cowardice. I've been someone who steps down from things I know are true in my heart. What's a gray for me may be a black and white for you - but that doesn't mean I have to stop living in the gray, and laughing in the gray, and loving in the gray.

So, without further ado,  I'm ready to make some changes in order to become more balanced - and to live more freely.

Step #1: I start counseling (dare I call it therapy!?) next week.

Wish me love.

(photo via weheartit.com)

4 comments:

Kora Bruce said...

this makes me smile big big big.

love and cheers being sent your way.

Brittan said...

I just made an appointment with a counselor yesterday! Great minds... :)1

Phoenix said...

Considering that we've never met in person, I might not have the right to say that the last word I think of when I read your blog is "coward," but hear me out here.

You write your thoughts clearly and maturely and take responsibility for them. You work hard to help out children in other nations that need your love, energy, and conscience.

I see and hear love every time I read your blog - and that happens to be the opposite of cowardice.

I too, am easily swayed by others' opinions. I'm so terrified of being bull-headed and stubborn that I bend so easily to the will of others that it drives me insane. This is still love - it is just love for others more than love of self.

Counseling might help you put your love of self (and your own opinions) ahead of others - and being willing to take that step is the bravest thing of all.

PS your comment on my Valentine's Day post made my week. Seriously.

Nicoracle Photography said...

I enjoyed reading this post. Counseling is awesome... it changed my life for sure!