Free to be me

December 8, 2009 

 “To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing and be nothing” - Elbert Hubbard

I suppose my favorite scripture is John 8, when Jesus stands beside a prostitute and offers for anyone without sin to throw a stone. I get this picture of her, sitting on the ground condemned, no excuse, thinking that Jesus is probably going to have her drug away. She must have been shocked when he said that if anyone wanted to claim to be perfect they could start beating the tar out of her. 

I think that ever since I read that scripture, I've imagined myself as that girl. Instead of excusing myself, or trying to prove that I'm right, I'd like to learn to close my eyes and say, "sure, maybe you think I messed up big time, but you know what? I'm not dead yet, and I'll learn from it. And someone more perfect than you will ever be said He loves me anyways."

 Last semester, my amazing friend Maddie played this song for me while I was doing my makeup in her bathroom one morning.

I thought about it when I puked in the UPI bathroom in front of my boss. I thought about it when I accidentally texted the guy I liked - about him - instead of texting my best friend. I thought about it when I got dumped by the guy I thought I would love forever. I thought about it when I stalled my car five times at one light while I was learning to drive a stick last weekend. 

I've thought about it when people accuse me, rightly, of speaking too quickly, learning too slowly, arguing too fiercely, yelling too much or being too sure of the wrong things.

I thought about it yesterday, when a series of unexpected events made me want to climb into my pink and gray laundry basket and never show my face again.

Here's to moving forward.


angela said...

love it, shan. you are a shining star in my eyes!

EyesToTheSkye said...

Love the song. I'm a new follower. Hello, Im Haley. =]

Phoenix said...

Hi there, found your blog through Jasmine's and noticed you used a quote from the same Gwendolyn Brooks poem I have on my profile about blooming in the whirlwind. I love that quote (and that poem) so much!

Your story sounds amazing, I can't wait to follow along :)

Bridget "Fun" Lynott said...

I am queen of sticking my foot in my mouth. One thing in particular swearing in front old people. Completely inappropriate. Also I am obnoxiously loud. All the time. It is horrendous.

But it makes me me.
And I like that these things make me me. Even if they are a little of color.

And you should like those about you as well.