free fallin'...fallin'.

I'm not sure how honest you're supposed to be in the blogosphere. I'm not sure how much of your heart you're supposed to put out there for everyone to comment on, or talk about - ask you about later, if they know you in person.

But I suppose you can't talk about a piece of your heart for months, and then just stop.

Or I guess you could, but I suppose that questions would be asked, and left unanswered.

I'll divulge, a little - I'll say that I've had a bit of a heart bruising. 

A bruise fades. A break leaves scars.

I don't plan on scarring.

I thought I had, but the sun came out when my mom made me coffee and Sam made me laugh, and Grandpa held me for a while.

My friend Gina calls her blog "a journey of becoming." I've been thinking on that. I turned my face from a dead end road to one that keeps rolling and winding through places I can't see it yet.

But it certainly doesn't stop here.

I don't suppose I could my life plans have changed, really, but rather been narrowed, and turned somewhere different.

I don't suppose I could say I've lost love - because my little brothers have gone out of their way to tell me that I haven't.

I don't even suppose that I've lost butterflies. I had a night of laughter and talking, coffee late out by the fountains in Roseville, a last minute movie - dinner - just last night. My friends have taken care of me in ways I didn't expect - texting, calling, taking me to movies. Hugh, a friend from Washington DC, calls and makes me laugh, makes me remember who I am, tells me how we all deserve to be treated. My uncle Jim hugged me the day after it all happened and said I look best in a ball cap and ripped up jeans.

Rightly, what more could I ask for?

I suppose you could say that I found faith in different ways this week - faith that God directs as He pleases, protects as He pleases and moves as He pleases.

I've learned that, while I used to be a puddle of tears when these things happened, I'm starting to become a believer in life's twists and turns.

I'm starting to be a believer that God knows what He is doing, and that His severe mercy in allowing sorrow today, brings things I didn't foresee in the future.

A dear friend told me, two days ago: "You'll see how this is right soon. Maybe in two months, maybe in a year, but you'll see how it's right, even though it feels wrong."

I believed him: head on my steering wheel, cell phone to my ear. I believed him with my whole heart.

I suppose you could say I'm in the school of learning that you don't really get to manage the lives of others, and how they interact with yours. No micro (or macro) -managing here. You don't get to decide who loves you, and for how long.

The men in my family tell me I should feel like Tom Petty, feel a little like this.  

I'm trying. 

Some of you have been there for me in incredible ways this week - talking, listening, letting me drink your coffee, reminding me of what life really is about - thank you, a thousand times thank you.


                                               (photo via weheartit.com)

Noteworthy person #4 to come on Tuesday...

3 comments:

Gina said...

i love the crystal-clear truth in this kind of honesty -- the kind that doesn't hide behind walls, the kind that is brave, the kind that is Courageous with a capital "C".

Kora Bruce said...

this was absolutely beautiful!
seriously, one of my favorite posts in a long time.

pssst. guess what I'm working on tonight! almost done!

Carsen said...

When we met, I would have never predicted that you would speak to my heart, love me in a way that doesn't fade with absence, or touch something so deep inside me that it brings stinging tears to my eyes. I would have never imagined that I would be reading your vulnerable thoughts only to discover that you made my feelings more tangible than I could have ever done on my own. You bring about something in me that's gentle, transparent, womanly. That same softness comes with a sturdy strength of character. I never imagined any of this, but it happened. The atmosphere in which we met was not ideal. I was not who I am today. I would have never imagined it then, but I'm glad it came to be. I'm thankful for the twists and turns of life because I'm always surprised by the beauty in the midst of confusion. That beauty is so profound that it makes the twists worth it.